Last week we spoke on the coming change of seasons, and the sense of a need to consider changes we can make in our lives. The week before last, I spoke on the importance of keeping an even mind. As I pondered these two lectures, an old folk saying came to mind. "A good word melts the cold of February while a bad word can freeze the month of June.”
In the Bible (James 3:5-6), we read: "So the tongue is a little member and boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire." Our tongues, we are told, set blazes as we speak harshly, and like a blazing forest, the flames spread out of control. When we do not hold an even mind – a peaceful countenance – and change is coming or things are troubling us, we complain, criticize and gossip. We become snappish and sarcastic. We know that we shouldn't use our tongues to lash out at others, but it happens.
Benedictine monks have a spiritual practice called "keeping custody of the tongue.” The idea is to consciously pay attention to what words and tone we use. The monks speak their minds, and even express anger, but it is done with an awareness that harsh words are harmful; and so, choose their words spiritually and wisely. One of their morning prayers is: "Dear Lord, please help me, this day, to use my tongue in your service by uttering words of love, kindness, praise, and encouragement. Help me to take custody of my tongue so I do not utter words of hate, disrespect, criticism, gossip, or slander." I suspect if we were to be consciously, spiritually aware of our words we would be shocked to discover (#1) how difficult it is not to say negative things about others, and (#2) how often we want to say something unkind. The real challenge comes in private moments. It's not enough to be nice in public or with a group; we must also take custody of our tongues when we are alone or talking to close friends. That is often when any tendency to backbite or make fun of others surfaces. Keep in mind too, that a picture is worth a thousand words. If you doubt that, think about how you felt the last time someone bombarded you with body language: they rolled their eyes or wrinkled their nose like they smelled dead fish when you spoke; or, they looked away and gave you the cold shoulder, or left the room as you entered a conversation. Did it make you feel as if you were in the presence of a loving, spiritual being with an even mind? Or did you know, without one word being said, that you were being told off.
One family I read about said they made a pact to behave positively. They check in with each other at dinner every day. They confess hurtful behaviors on their part, and share triumphs at having been the calming factor in a bad situation. They see that putting people down sets up pockets of pain and resentment in the world whereas speaking positively of others establishes networks of confidence that enrich life. By being accountable to their family, they try harder. Keeping custody of your tongue is not an easy practice. Be patient with yourself. The only way to break a habit of careless and harmful words is to work on it day by day with honest intention. If it would help to make a pact with a friend, do it.
To help you consider the consequences unleashing hurtful words – ponder this old Jewish story: In a small community, there lives a man who is the town gossip. He has thoughtlessly told and retold stories that have caused pain and shame to others. When his rabbi confronts him about the damage he has done, the man is embarrassed and asks what he can do to make amends. The rabbi tells him to take two feather pillows out into a field, to cut them open, and to shake all the feathers out into the field. Happy that the forgiveness ritual was so simple – that all he has to do is watch the breeze carry the feathers away, the man thanks the rabbi and runs off to do what he said. As he watches the feathers blow away, he thinks to himself, ‘my words are like these feathers – they’ll blow away eventually and no one will think of them again after they are out of sight.” Later, he returns and reports that the wind has taken the feathers to all parts of the field and beyond. The rabbi tells him this is good. "Now,” the Rabbi says, "to understand how difficult it is to unsay harsh words and heal all the hurts and damages, you must go back to the field and collect all the feathers you spread. And hurry - for I’m sure by now some of them have reached the next village.” The gossip knows that is an impossible task. Hurtful words once spoken cannot be retrieved.
On September 2nd this year (2009) the Tibetan spiritual leader Dalai Lama, met with Taiwan's Catholic leader. During that meeting both called for "the cultivation of spirituality and ethics.” They stressed that trust is an indispensable element in society, the Dalai Lama urged people to use their wisdom to resolve differences and avoid using harsh words to create rivalry. According to the Tibetan leader, the purpose of religion is to discover the good of humanity. The Dalai Lama said he believes mutual tolerance, respect and cooperation with each other would promote world peace.
Often we think that harshness will eventually be forgiven and forgotten and so we act on an angry impulse without thinking it through, bringing it to God, trying to be the best we can SPIRITUALLY. There’s a great difference between FORGIVE and FORGET. Cruel words between friends can cause considerable pain and damage. Even if they finally get together and apologize and ask each other for forgiveness, their memories will never completely forget the words that hurt them the most – regardless of what they do to make amends. A certain amount of the trust and faith they had in each other as friends has been destroyed and they may never feel as comfortable around each other again.
Once angry or gossipy words are spoken, whether to a friend or about a foe, people who hear of the anger and gossip are likely to make mental notes: "Can I trust that he won’t say things like that about me someday?” "Is it safe to be her friend?” "Will they treat me that way if I disagree with them too?” Native American medicine places great emphasis on spirituality and maintaining the integrity of the person in medicine. In all living things, divine spirit is made flesh. A healthy person follows the path imprinted in the heart by the Great Spirit by walking a path of harmony, balance, and beauty, keeping a "good mind" and "good thoughts" of respect, generosity and gratefulness.
To restore health means restoring ethical behavior and the harmonious relations with one’s community. Native American medicine is based on a spiritual and social "mechanism" rather than a materialistic one. A supportive, loving family is seen as crucial in helping people recover from disease. Loving thoughts and prayers have healing power while negative thoughts, expressed or unexpressed, can cause disease. They believe that avoiding negative thinking invites guardian spirits to prevent injury and accidents and improve decision making. Cruel words and violence, they believe, can cause disease in a person, community and even whole Nations.
A Buddhist practice calls for personal reflection on the consequences of past actions. A young Buddhist monk came to his teacher, upset after a period of such reflection. During the meditation he had an insight of how he had once, with cruel words, harmed someone. He was very agitated because the person he had offended had died and he couldn’t apologize for the harm. The old Buddhist teacher spoke to him, saying that apologies sometimes are best given to yourself. Look inside and focus on your remorse. Is it real remorse? If it is, then, with great sincerity, resolve to never repeat the offense again.
In the Jewish tradition Yom Kippur, as I understand it, is the "Day of Atonement.” It is the Jewish New Year and signals an opportunity for a fresh start. During the 10 days just before Yom Kippur, it is a tradition for Jews to go to people they know, asking each person to forgive them for any unkind things they had done during the year. God would not mend or forgive these hurts because only the person wronged can forgive. Then on Yom Kippur, the day is spent in spiritual prayer and reflection, acknowledging the reality of the human tendency to break our vows, and turning to God for strength for the New Year.
The Hebrew prophet Jeremiah taught against healing wounds lightly—merely putting a bandage on the wound without cleaning or stitching it. Shallow apologies are like healing wounds lightly. A light apology would be something like, "OK, I’m sorry. Can we just forget it now?” Or "I’m sorry I did that, but you created the problem.” Our true intent is carried in the sound of our words.
Simone Weil, a philosopher, teacher and mystic of this century, wrote an essay on the power of words, in which she said, "The same words can be commonplace or extra-ordinary according to the manner in which they are spoken. And this depends on the depth of the region in a person’s being from which they proceed . . . And by a marvelous agreement – they reach the same region in the person who hears them. Thus, the hearer can discern what is the value of words.” If our words come from the light of God within us, and are received by the light of God within the other person, all is well. But, if the speaker or the listener sends or receives the words darkly, a problem has begun.
Recognizing, regretting, renouncing…these are steps of apology. And within these steps is a spiritual element. The spiritual power of our apology lies not in admitting that we did wrong, because just focusing on the whole right and wrong part closes us down and makes our world small. The spiritual power of apology is in acknowledging how we have affected our connection with each other. It is in the knowing – through our minds, our bodies, and our intuitions – and admitting how we have affected the caring and love between us. The real depth and spirit of apology is noticing that a connection is broken and trying to find a way to make it whole again. Such a deep apology is courageous, as LaoTse, the Chinese philosopher, said 2000 years ago, "because of deep love we are courageous.” It is courageous because we do not know how our friend will respond, or if perhaps we may be rejected. Our apology holds a request for love. Please hear that I am sorry. Please hear that I know I hurt us. Please know that I will try to be better in the future. Please love me still, and help us get back to our precious relationship. Please forgive me. After an apology, we can pause, breathe, and listen – with a fear that we may be disappointed.
What do we do when we have fully expressed our sorrow and asked for forgiveness but the other person does not forgive us? We need to get on with the work of forgiving ourselves—through reflection, self talk, talking with a trusted person, or whatever works for you. If we need a more active approach, we might consider doing something similar to what the ancient Israelites used to do. They would bring a sacrifice to the Gods. We won't take a slaughtered calf to the altar, but we can offer to help a neighbor, or go cook in a soup kitchen, or volunteer to do some extra task at the church. This is not just a good work, it is also a penance. As Rabbi Kushner, author of How Good Do We Have to Be, explains, such penance works this way: "At the rational level, giving charity doesn't undo the selfish or thoughtless thing we did to prompt the guilt feeling in the first place. But at the spiritual level, where our souls live, it does introduce us to our better, nobler self. Deed 'balances' deed; the voice of healthy pride counters the nagging, disapproving voice of a guilty conscience."
Rev. Len Romska teaches that thoughts are like seeds. Once planted and allowed to grow they take root and fill your life with good things, or choke the potential out of your life. The idea, she says, is to keep your psychic garden free of the spiritual equivalent of suckers, weeds and anything else that might abort your spiritual growth. They affect our lives on a mundane level. Say you’ve been disgruntled with someone all day. They could start to feel the "bad energy" from your thoughts. They may experience more day-to-day practical frustrations. Intentional or not, this is a kind of attack. We have to ask ourselves if we RELLY want to do harm to the person we’re irritated with. Imagine building up that bad energy toward them over a week or weeks. Do we REALLY want to wallow in negativity and make the world around us more toxic, or do we want to be our highest, most spiritual selves and create positive, trusting relationships?
Most of humanity is totally unaware of the destructive forces it creates moment by moment with negative thoughts. As Spiritualists we know better! Harsh words and negative thoughts are a form of direct astral attack. The Unconscious Mind is very much influenced by words and picks up and holds onto cruel words. Because they hurt we often repeat them over and over in our minds – just as we often test a sore muscle or a cut or a tooth ache. When we do this we are basically subconsciously co-creating a curse upon ourselves with the other person's negativity. So, if someone has hurt you, try to let it go. Don’t keep returning to their negativity. With the grace of God, release the negativity and replace it with forgiveness . . . whether they have asked you to forgive or not. It is for your own good, and for your spiritual growth.
Two Buddhist sayings come to mind: "As the bee takes the essence of a flower and flies away without destroying its beauty and perfume, so let the sage wander in this life."
"Think not of the faults of others, of what they have done or not done. Think rather of your own sins, of the things you have done or not done."
BENEDICTION May love, which gives life its beauty and purpose, which gives life its relevance and reverence, which gives life its sacredness, be strong within each of us, deepening our relationship with all of life. – Amen
